I don’t know what needs to be said, but I want to say something. Not sure where this blog will go.

Well, first let me say: I am going crazy right now over the fact that I sent my friend in New York an autographed Elle Varner poster and it hasn’t made it to him yet. Like a dunce I wasn’t mindful of getting some kind of tracking on the package, so now I gotta sit here and squirm. The post office really grinds my gears at times. It’s going from Philadelphia to New York! And not even upstate New York! In the span of time it’s taken to be delivered, I could have hopped in the car and driven it up to him. Then again, is it my fault for not choosing FedEx or UPS? Shame on me for selling my friend short. I think he understands though. As far as sending gifts via USPS: never again.

Other than that, life is good. My health is better than ever, despite the occasional tremor of pain, a reminder that my illness is chronic. Yesterday I had a conversation with my brother who is a year older than me about relationships. He’s really candid and I appreciate it. Although our views on relationships very often diverge, it’s still interesting to hear his male perspective. While we were talking he told me something that I’ve heard before: you’re never going to find that perfect guy. In a way it’s kind of an indicting statement, even though I know he meant no harm. Still, his assertion is basically that by not dating anyone I’m holding out for perfection. My response was “I don’t expect someone perfect, just someone who shares my beliefs.” These are things people would refer to as deal-breakers.  When he basically asked what I had on that list, I told him the biggest is they have to not just know God, but love God and have a relationship with Him. Let me insert a disclaimer at this point: Going to church is deeply ingrained in black culture and plenty of black people have or have at some point gone to church or gone to church regularly.  I was one of those that went regular and was spiritually disconnected the entire time.  But I digress. Going to church, for me, just isn’t enough. I regularly pray and try to live in a way that reflects God’s glory. This isn’t to sound self-righteous because I repeatedly stumble. That’s why I need God! So basically the reason I’m in no rush to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t do the same is this: you’re either going to get tired of me putting God before you or I’m going to get tired of you not. Let’s save each other the heartbreak and time!

I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older I’ve repeatedly come under the uncomfortable circumstance of having to justify my singleness. OK, maybe not justify, but explain my singleness. Like I’m a strange, sad statistic. I understand that many women desire to marry, and dating is an ends to a means and that the tagline for your 20’s is to date, date, date. But right now I’m dateless for a reason– I’m trying to protect my heart! Do you understand? The Bible says (yes, here we go again) that we ought to guard it. You ain’t never tell no lie! I’ve seen firsthand the consequences of a wayward heart.  So, yes, in a ways I’m also self-preserving by being single, but also preserving the heart of someone else.

My return to social media was so uneventful. 

I wasn’t shocked to end my Facebook drought on Saturday after 4 days gone to see 19 notifications. Just like I expected, half of them were nonsense: Farmville, birthdays, my calendar, etc.  Who cares…

I learned that I can live without it a while, not that I didn’t know that or assume that to begin with, but sometimes our actions speak for themselves. I WAS on it every day, multiple times during the day–wasting minutes, sometimes hours. I just want to ease into a more productive day where there’s more time to even consider the possibilities of what can be accomplished.

I sort of feel back in business. This is a little scary to say because my health has been so fickle since June, but I’m finally feeling stable and I couldn’t feel happier. The reason is because yesterday was a marathon day. I attended 3 different events requiring time and healthiness, and my body did not let me down — for once!

First, I served at the church picnic. Bam! I put in 3 or 4 hours there – no pain. Then I went to my dance school’s fall recital — about 2 hours there — still no pain. By 7 or 8pm, yeah my stomach was gargling and sort of burning, but you have to understand – there were times I was bedridden in June and July. Just the very fact that I’ve had 80-90% days successively is utter bliss for me because usually the less in pain I feel, the more I can do. I hate sitting around my house and I hate canceling plans with my friends, so believe me, I am feeling blessed for these days.

Besides that, another exciting thing is I may or may not have a dance partner. Don’t ask me what that means. In my mind, I’m thinking we can travel the world and do a showcase — just kidding. I just may or may not know someone who shares my enthusiasm for dancing. I’m not mad at all!

I can fondly remember the days of my childhood when I gave up on toys and decided I’d rather read books. Thanks to my mom, our weekend ritual as kids was always an excursion to the mall. We’d pile into our Chevy Astro van and head to Springfield. This is why I’m a borderline-shop-aholic, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

Around the age of 9 or 10, I recall bypassing the Toys R Us and heading to WaldenBooks. I’d spend at least an hour to an hour and a half browsing the bookstore and then I’d buy something. Pretty soon I started reading the Love Stories series, cheesy little romance novels geared towards teens. Then I got into vampire books. This was way before Twilight. I  also had a time when I loved anything historical, especially with a romantic element.  I spent so much money on books back then. Every meager cent of my allowance went towards a book. I would finish one in a week, put that down and quickly start another. By each Saturday I was ready for the next installment in the Love Stories series or a new vampire novel.

When I think about that now, I really appreciate first, my mom fostering our appetite for literature, and then I also think what a vital part of learning reading is.

For one, reading makes us better communicators. Around the time I really got into reading, I began journaling. I think it had a tremendous affect on my writing skills. I could barely spell when I was 7 and started my journal. My early entries at that age were big crude letters about early crushes, my ‘Dear Diary’ birthday gift, gigapets. I kept that journal up to college, by the way. I could see a steady progression in my maturity and in my writing.

Also, if it wasn’t for reading, I wouldn’t have distinguished writing as one of my passions. When I was a freshmen in high school, I interpreted something in Steinbeck’s novel Mice and Men and my teacher encouraged me to write. I don’t know what made her think that, but after she planted that seed I knew I wanted to major in English. Yes, English, the poorman’s major. But really, I can trace back so many moments in my life when reading made an impact. I remember days wasted in the library in high school and I can remember even earlier lugging tons of books in plastic shopping bags away from the Free Library near my house in West Philly. I had an overdue books list that had to make me a target for the government somehow.

My love affair with books continues today. I went on to major in English, which was money well-spent in my eyes. Then I got my Masters in, what else – Book Publishing! I’ve managed to come full-circle. And, I can still enjoy books in my leisure time. This month I read the “The Book of Night Woman,” a novel about a Jamaican slave who plots a revolt. I’m also getting ready to read a non-fiction book about Cherokee Indians who kept Black slaves – a history I’ve never seen discussed anywhere.

The one thing I love about books, whether fiction or non-fiction, is they take you to places that you otherwise might not see nor go to. Yet, at the same time, they give you an appreciation for these places. To make it plain, I was obsessed with those Eyewitness Books. They covered everything from Ancient Egypt to Rocks and Minerals. I was in geeky bliss as a kid. In my adult years, with money and time occasionally on my hands – I was able to see some of the things I’d only seen in Eyewitness books. For instance, to go to England and actually see castles was like a dream come true. But even if I couldn’t get there, I first saw it in my mind’s eye in a book!

Le Sigh. I wasn’t sure where to go with this blog today, but my mind is heavy so that’s what you get.

A friend of mine shared a video on Facebook of the rapper 2Chainz and Kanye spittin verses about a birthday cake and fat booties. I’m sure they were equivocating the two, as if it hasn’t been done before.

I didn’t even turn up the sound on the video because I didn’t need to listen to know that it was probably too gross to listen to. My friend and I noted that this song like many in the hip hop genre did nothing but objectify and degrade the women in the video. But really this is par for the course for 80-90% of rap songs these days, even a few R&B songs. Yeah, I’m looking at you Trey Songz (“2 Reasons”).

Not going to lie, there was a time in my life I was heavy into almost every rapper. I’m pretty sure I even rapped and danced to Jay-z’s “Big Pimpin,” as degrading as that song is. Today, knowing what I know, and growing every little step closer to knowing what it means to be a woman, especially from a spiritual perspective, I hardly feel right bobbing  my head to certain songs. If I’m in the car with a male friend or my brother, I can usually only take so much before I plead for them to turn it down or turn it off. Incidentally, how do you as a man feel comfortable playing certain misogynistic and degrading songs around a woman? You may as well be saying it yourself. But that’s another blog.

So how do I feel? In general, disappointed with hip-hop. It’s sad because I know the misogyny thing is so prevalent that it’s not going to change. This is why I generally gravitate towards other genres. I love Gospel, I love Soul. I love that with soul music at least they seem to appreciate the outer and inner qualities of a woman in their lyrics and in their videos in a way that doesn’t destroy them. I’m not a piece of meat, after all. I’m a human being. I’m a woman.

So that’s generally how I feel. I’ve been in a club-atmosphere or an actual club in a few instances this  year where I stopped myself dancing cause I was like “For real? Eww.” I really feel that convicted.

I always start off each day with the expectation that I will feel like I am in perfect health, never mind the rumbling in my stomach here and there. But then there are mornings like this. Last night I experienced what often occurs, particularly at night, and that’s little aches that wake me right up out of my sleep. I then tried, in vain, to find the right position to sleep in and get back to sleep. Eventually I found myself wide awake and squirming. It’s not utter pain, believe me. I’ve experienced almost all kinds on the threshold. No, it’s more like an annoying burning in my back that runs around to my stomach.

I knew when I woke up last night at around 4 or 5 in the morning and went into my mom’s room that the chances of the pain subsiding by work would be slim. Somehow I did manage to get a few winks in though. I’ve managed the art of sleeping in between the little aches. I’ll just look up sometimes and fifteen minutes will have passed and my eyes will feel like they were just in REM or pre-REM. But that didn’t change the ache. I had the tenderness in my stomach that I sometimes get that makes it hard to stand and walk. But I’m still at work today! Ay! I’m practicing some G-type behavior when I really wanted to softly call out. But It would be the 3rd time this month alone and I honestly worry about being perceived as lazy or faking it. This morning is so irritating though. When I stretch, I feel this annoying tension and soreness. I almost want to call them air pockets or bubbles, but I’m not quite sure. Last night I was fine the majority of the time I was sleeping, but then I started to get the weird dreams and the weird rationalizations for why I felt the way I did – and then I had to get up and take some pain meds.

But that’s my morning. I’m hoping for a better afternoon. Please, God, be better.